I MUST BE ZAI. I MUST NOT MESSAGE CHER AND WHINE. I MUST NOT MESSAGE HER AND BE SILLY AND OVER-SENSITIVE BECAUSE I'VE NO RIGHT TO BE. HE DIDNT DO ANYTHING AND THAT'S WHY I SHOULDN'T BE THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING. I MUST THINK GOOD AND HAPPY THOUGHTS AND REMEMBER THAT ONE WRONG STEP WILL STRAIN AND MIGHT WORSEN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.

When I called him, it was because I wanted him to know that I miss him and wanted to hear his voice. However, in hushed tones, he said some things, which till now, I wonder what it was. -.- Then, I messaged Cher. Again, I wasted her messages because gawd, I am doing the same old thing. I shouldn't be. I must remember not to be, because her message can be in a standard format and can be forwarded on a need-to-send basis which is quite often. ARGH.

I MUST LEARN TO TRUST AND NOT BE SO SCREWED UP. He already is, and I'm upset that he is and can't do anything, so if there's something I can do, that will be not messaging him unnecessarily lest he thinks back to what he said about studying alone. I must be grateful for every moment with him. <3

And he called, told me he missed me, had some sweet seconds, and even teased me by asking me if I wanted my kisses. Trust me, if i had wings, I wanna fly to be with him.

:(

What a good and apt way to begin this entry. HMM.
Yesterday, after typing I wish for him to listen actually referred to him listening to what Brother Woo said about communication. And him listening to what I get to say. Even though there isn't much, I still hope for him to be there. I changed it afterward because I felt like you were there, but it's back to square one.

I hope he does well in his test.

Did I mention how I don't like conjunctivitis? I still don't like them but thankful to HAD them because it reminded me that no tears are allowed. Do I sound emo? Well, that's how I feel. Laughs* Brother Woo said that one must vocalize one's emotions and I did but what if the other party doesn't really care, then why bother to in the first place yea? So, I must control and remember NOT TO SHARE. And I won't. BecauseI shouldn't, I'm the sweet and supportive girlfriend, am I not? He's studying with MeiYan,Pearl and Avin, but I HATE IT. I am jealous. Told him twice, but guess what, bo bian. BLOODY NO CHOICE. So what can I say? Nothing.

You are sorry that you neglected me,and you wanted to hear my voice but haveyou thought of how granting your wishes just make me feel worse? :( Because I've to be ok with how you ARE neglecting me and how hearing your voice for a while just makes me miss you more and having not being able to hear more SUCK.

But once again, WHAT CAN I F**KING DO? Nothing.

After this post, I'll take a shower.(:
It is actually very tiring to work only in the evenings. Many people whom I have told have the same WAHH, SO LUCKY reaction after I mentioned my working hours. However, yes, despite the rest and free time I have in the morning till afternoon, it takes quite a lot of determination to drag myself out from home, miss my TV shows and travel to work. The journey there is ok because it's still relatively bright and I won't feel so sian. However, after work, most of the time, I feel quite down. Having said that, I must remember that it is because of these working hours that paid for my hair colouring (it is now mahogany with reddish brown highlights), pedicure and my other expenses.((:

Since the episode about being sweet and supportive, I really try to be sweet and supportive in all that I do. There are times, like now when WK seems a bit irritating, but I tell myself that there are reasons for him behaving so. Well, at least he passed his driving test! :DD
Yesterday, Isurprised him by dropping byHall to pass him his medicine,and lol, I was damn happy when I think about my mission to deliver hismedicine and my duty as a sweet and supportive girlfriend. Admittedly, when things are not so well, I reminded myself to love less and care less. I read in a magazine yesterday that one shouldn't do so but and it isharmful to the relationship. However, I try to assure myself that I know my limit so it won't harm my relationship but at the same time, I wouldn't be overly sensitive.(:

I'm glad that there are people like Yacong, Spencer and Bro Woo because they remind me that there's Someone who listens to my prayers and that He will answer them.I'm glad that Heavenly Father listens to my prayers and at the end of the day, I'm always a happy girl. (:

It helps.

It's pretty much 5 months since I last posted, but at least I've not hit the half a year mark. :X

I want to whine, want to complain, want to nag, want to vent and just want to really really vent. :(
I don't feel good. I'm very annoyed. I'm very irritated and frustrated. There's so many things going through my mind, and it's the same all thing. Like seriously.

First, I've the ALWAYS THERE doubt problem. Yes, he assures me and all, but sometimes, he just forgets to, and I don't wanna remind him due to the following reasons.
One, I don't wanna appear, once again, and too many a time that I don't trust him, but if you ask me, if you are close enough, I will tell you I am still very much struggling with this issue. I don't know why you know. To not ask him about Terry (a guy in Hall whom he's very close to, but yet, I've never seen him before, and who messages him on quite an often basis, and who will just reply nitez at close to 1am after their long sms convo) took tremendous willpower. It can be describe as so tremendous that it was like something that I could actually feel,like not touching the perfect dress for all occasions for fear thatI might end up buying it. For fear that I might push him away, I just haveto resist asking in all ways. However, no matter how ridiculous it is, I still don't think that's a Terry. :( :(
Secondly, he is busy so I don't wish to add on to his troubles. He is stressed about his job and work. Furthermore, due to his carelessness, he has forgotten a couple of things, and he feels horrible enough. If a supposedly supportive girlfriend voices out her doubts, he will only feel more turned off, so the best is to crudely put, shut up.
Third, if I were to really voice out, out of 5 times, he will assure me twice. So why bear the whole heartwrenching pain when he doesn't. Ha.

I don't want to be understanding, I don't want to be nice, I don't want to not talk to him about anything and everything that has happened to me.
I don't want him to be sian, I don't want him to be stressed, I don't want him to stay in Hall.

I don't want many things, but I've no choice, isn't it. F**K.

I bought a dress, had plenty of fun with my girls, is very upset that I didn't manage to get a bag, is very pissed that I can't follow my schedule as planned, and is relieved that there are some things settled but I can't share it with him, because he is in no mood to listen.

Ok, I have pretty much vented out my frustration.
I wanna be understanding and nice.

Heavenly Father, may You grant me strength and faith to build this relationship stronger. Amen.

Just Because.

It has almost been a month since I last updated. There isn't much. It is still pretty much the same everyday. Yes, there were the usual ups and downs but at least the people in my life remained the same. (:

Recently, I have started to meet up with my friends more. They include Eunice and co.,Cher and co., and of course, not forgetting my churchies. Each time, it was basically plenty of learning and laughter.

Meeting up with them always led me to be more grateful with what I have. But this time, I hope to spend more time with my family. Hmm..

Some things are not so smooth though. That is, my dearest boyfriend, Weiguang. My wonderful sister borrowed a book written by Jane Green and titled Second Chance. When I mentioned the title, I realised that I had been given a second chance and this time, I must really cherish it. But while reading this book, and when I read this partucular phrase, (I had forgotten which.), immediately, I went, hey, that's me. And it is so not nice to know that, because the character, Holly realises that her good husband was just a partner but not a friend or someone who takes an active interest in her life, and it hurts pretty much to know that it is the same for me. :x

It sucks eh. Therefore, yesterday, feeling taitai-ish and a bit tired and with plenty of guts, I told him how I felt and with thanks to Cleo, I mentioned to him how nice it would be if he would ask me, "How was your day?", as compared to me asking myself and telling him the answer. But of course, being able to talk to him is something good to have. Then, I mentioned how he can assure me whne I'm in doubt and we promised each other to make an effort to do better on our part, hence the note on my phone, "Don't give a flying fuck.". LOL!

As he sleeps, I re-enacted the past 3.5hours spent together with him today. It has been happy, laughter, enjoyment and bliss. I do feel very "xin fu.". (:

Lastly, I have learnt something that has allowed me my best sleep since Saturday night and that is to empty all my thoughts and not give a damn about things realted to him, work, family and friends before I sleep. And it helped! I slept well. (: Sat and Sunday nights had been restless and I didnt have good dreams so I'm gratefult for it.

I look forward to my week now that I have rested enough, and prayerfully, I hope that it will continue to be a good one as I try to be better in all aspects- a better girlfriend who won't get paranoid and to have faith and trust in him and myself, a better teacher who will be more patient with her kids like Masao (grr.), and a better sister. :D

That fear remains,but my faith conquered. I hope.

I'm scared. I shouldn't be. I could literally hear Cher's voice,saying,"Jo,don't worry! Everything'll be ok!" And I know it'll be fine,but I can't help it. There's this annoying and nagging feeling in me. He might be meeting his primary school mates this Sat,a day after our 5th,and the last time they did,I couldn't sleep and lost my appetite because he heard from his so-called friend,that I've done 3 things which apparently after clarifying,I've not. Yes,everything was ok after,but that night was the worst. Imagine nearly losing him just after being given a kiss less than an hour before. I don't wanna experience that anymore. It was a I would honestly say,traumatic. Till now,it scares me,that phobia still remaining. He might be meeting them,and I can't pray that he won't,because,I can't pray that he won't everytime as it is unfair to him! Thus,I've been trying to tell myself to believe him,to trust in Him that He'll make things ok,and to have faith in his friends. What's meant to be mine will be. I have did nothing wrong and I have nothing to fear. So I might be afraid,but I trust the Heavenly Father enough to know He'll be there to help me through this.

Iloveyou.

I had the best day/date ever..
The moment your first sms came in in the morning till your kiss at night before we slept. I experienced happiness,bliss and contentment. I've never felt like that in our past few months and thankful that I have now. Not only were my journeys full of fun,but the companionable silence,holding of hands,and occasional jokes made it better. The jokes about each other,like your pepper and my face just allowed us to grow closer. What I wld consider the best is the fact that you have let go. The day I dreaded;going back for my followup,wondering how to explain,and worse,you wanted to come along. It turned out to be the best.
The bus ride together,lunched at Jack's Place while holding hands,to the hospital,my place,dinner and back home. I've smiled every minute. <3

Unseen Competition.

Busy busy busy.
Spending time with him, my family, churchmates and friends. (:

Sometimes, I need to learn how to be more patient and hold my tongue. Of course, there are times too that I should quit being bitchy, oversensitive and initiate. We should all sleep a happy person.